


Realizations

by RainyMonday



Category: Supernatural
Genre: CocklesDestiel Writers Appreciation, CocklesDestielFiction, First Kiss, GIF-based, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Some fighting, is the ending fluff?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-10-14 16:40:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20603954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainyMonday/pseuds/RainyMonday
Summary: Dean manages to endanger himself (again) and Cas finally snaps. Which leads to some realizations and a first kiss.





	Realizations

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everybody,
> 
> This is a contribution to the Destiel first kiss writing game on Tumblr hosted by CocklesDestielFanfiction.  
The prompts were a set of GIFs (I chose the last one)  
The tags for the other works are #CocklesDestielFiction and #CocklesDestiel Writers Appreciation so make sure to check these out too!  
This is based on some of the earlier seasons, probably around S5 which is (I hope I am correct here) also where the last GIF is from.
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading this!

“What was that supposed to be?”, Cas snaps at him as soon as they are out of the vampire nest, blood still everywhere on Dean’s clothes. But blood isn’t his priority right now. It’s Cas’ angry stance and the way he glares at him.

“I was doing my damn job”, Dean repeats defensively, an unsuccessful attempt to suppress his anger.

“Did I raise you for nothing?”, the angel all but glares at him, a hint of neon blue spark in them.

Dean feels himself instinctively stepping away from his best and most of the time only friend. Cas is all holy wrath and anger and beneath that probably scared as hell. They all are most of the time.  
Dean knows that feeling way too well, how it gnaws at his bones whenever his brother is in danger. The way his fingers itch, panic clouds his mind, the urge to protect Sammy even when he doesn’t need protection. He tends to forget that Cas probably has the same urge towards him, that he is Castiel’s charge, the only thing the angel hasn’t messed up yet according to most.

Admittingly, it had been a rough fight. He had been in danger once or twice. But that was is life, something he may not have chosen were his mother still alive. She wasn’t thought and the family business was all he got and he wouldn’t allow anybody to take that away from him.

In the end, he does what he always does when he’s attacked, he fights back.  
“I didn’t ask for your help”

“Yet you need it”, Cas retards, his hands clenched into shaking fists. Dean is shocked to find helplessness blending into frustration.

The emotion is so rare and pure and desperate he wants to stop fighting, needs to stop fighting but can’t. Sometimes, the urge to just push farther and farther and push more and more is just too overwhelming, consuming him whole.  
“I could do my job before you turned up. I don’t need you”

Cas visibly flinches, his eyes widening before turning cold: “Without me, you would still be stuck in hell, tortured for the rest of eternity”

“I didn’t ask you for help back then either”

“I fought through hell to save you. You should be grateful”, Cas barks, shadows dancing behind his back, making his figure stand out against Dean, a terrifying yet beautiful image.

“I am, I truly am. But it’s my life and I decide how to live it”, he tries to calm his voice down and somehow succeeds. The edge however remains.

“I am not telling you to quit hunting just be more careful”

“Why? So you can sleep easier at night?”, Dean doesn’t mean that, not really, but the words leave his mouth before he can stop them.  
Dean knows he has overstepped Cas’ ability to cope with his reckless, stupid behavior when his eyes turn cold, whole body snapping into a tense stand against him, more warrior than friend now.

“I don’t sleep”, Cas replies very slowly, his voice deadly monotone.

“Then why do you care?”, he should really stop. He’s making everything worse.

Cas looks hurt and furious all at the same time when he approaches him, invading Dean’s personal space like an immovable object set to collide. The intimacy is an overwhelming, intimidating force in which he drowns without fighting back.

He can’t move, can’t back down, just stands there in the thunderstorm of Cas’ wrath that is deep down nothing more than worry. He can see the angel’s fingers twitching, realizes it’s nothing more than a thin layer of control that stops Cas from burying his fingers in his jacket to yank him closer.  
He swallows, hard and too fast while taking in gulps of air that feels too sharp in his throat. His head spins a little. When Cas speaks again, his voice is low and deep, settling into his very bones, deeming him to listen.

“You are irresponsible”, Cas states, sharp edged with eyes full of neon blue. It’s a painful accusation that turns into a plea, spoken so softly Dean can barely understand: “I don’t know what to do when you die again”

It’s a confession, painful and open, the most vulnerable he has ever seen Cas. Cas, who is an angel, a warrior supposed to be almost invincible.  
He studies Cas more intently now, sees past the rage and chaos and tries to grasp how Cas might actually feel. He tries to talk but doesn’t know what to say. Cas looks at him, entirely lost. He tries to pull a coherent thought from the merry-go-round his thoughts have become and yet he fails again.

Cas is so broken Dean wonders when and how that did happen and why he wasn’t there to stop it. It occurs to him that Cas might not be the only one with a charge. Cas has been there to protect him ever since hell and Dean has honestly no clue why he does it, why he is willing to sacrifice so much for somebody who is as messed up as him. Now he gets a glimpse of how much protecting him as consumed Cas, the loneliness of sacrificing one’s home and family for a stupid human who in turn runs into life-threatening situations like it’s his hobby. Maybe he is really that ungrateful, maybe he would be just as angry if Sam behaved this way.

He wonders if it even matters that he never asked for any help. It doesn’t, he realizes, because this is a gift he doesn’t deserve, offered to him without question and without doubt. He never said thank you.  
He is all Cas has, and all he does is waste his life in senseless acts of violence, in beer bottles and self-doubt when he should have listened and cared. Apparently, the whole having a charge thing goes two ways.

“I am sorry”, he murmurs and feels like it’s not enough to explain, not enough to express how grateful he should be and actually is.

Cas blinks slowly, his eyes full of question. He doesn’t understand. Neither does Dean. There is no rage left in him, all anger drained out of him, leaving nothing more than emptiness and guilt.  
His blood pounds in his ears and his heart is beating too fast while the silence between them stretches endlessly.  
Dean feels the need to fil it with words but has no idea what exactly he is feeling right now, which realization is silently settling into his bones. He ends up watching Cas like the person Cas always was but he never really saw. Cas stares back, his eyes travelling up and down his body, checking for any injuries. He does so too even though he knows Cas is fine. Yet he is scared that he misses something again, leaving another piece of him shattered beyond repair.

Watching Cas like this is different, a whole new perspective full of things that must have been there all the time. He becomes really aware of just how close they always are, bodies almost touching, how blue Cas’ eyes are even without the spark of grace in them. He cannot tear his eyes away and it’s shameless staring now. He’s never spent so much time actually looking at Cas and it’s utterly fascinating how many details there are now.

Laughing lines around his eyes, the messy hair, perfect lips. He feels Cas’ gaze on his own body, it’s almost a physical attraction, his skin tingling. He breathes in open mouthed as his head turns dizzy again and Cas’ eyes fix on his lips, an utterly serious expression appearing on his face.

Dean doesn’t understand the sudden change of mood, he only knows that Cas must have reach an immovable conclusion as careful determination settles into his eyes. This moment, whatever it is, feels important and there’s tension so thick Dean can sense it dance over his skin, making goosebumps rise.

There’s not much distance Cas needs to cover in order to kiss him, but when he does, Dean is both surprised and prepared for it.  
His whole body still freezes, stuck in time. He is sure the sun could explode then and there and he wouldn’t notice.  
It’s not a perfect kiss, its actually far from it, too careful, too much insecurity boiled up inside of both them. In the end, the kiss is more of a question, an act born out of reckless desperation and wild, stupid hope they should have all given up by now.

They separate but just barely, their lips inches apart, breath that is not his own ghosting over his skin, making him feel hot and dizzy.  
He expected to be more … shocked being kissed by another guy, worried, thoughtful, appalled even. It’s nothing like that. He doesn’t worry because it’s a guy or a genderless angel. All there is, is blissful emptiness and the fact that it’s Cas and essentially that’s all his thoughts keep spinning around.  
The only thing that really worries him is what is going to happen next. If something like that, madness, could ever work out. No hunter lives long, grows old and has a happy life and Dean actually has no idea if angels are even allowed to love. He wants to care, wants to worry about all the thousand things plopping up in his head that are much more concerned with Cas’ safety than with genderless angelness. He tries to push them away, back to the blissfulness Cas made him feel.

That’s when he realizes Cas is still waiting for him, his reaction, his approval. An answer to that silent question. Hope matched with fear so openly on his face it hurts.

Cas’ body is incredibly tense when Dean carefully cups his face and pulls him in again. This time, he is not careful or scared. He’s desperate and certain, so certain he has rarely felt in his life.  
Warmth creeps into his stomach and Cas’ hands follow grasping at his back, pulling him in closer in a very determined way.  
Dean gives in to the sudden urge to smile and his lips move into one between another set of kisses. He doesn’t quite understand this yet, doesn’t know what this will turn into but it feels good and right and in a life as messed up as his, that should probably be enough. So he decides to worry later. This is way too good to be occupied with something else.

**Author's Note:**

> (nervous laughter)  
This is the first spn stuff I ever published but I thought this writing game was a good opportunity.  
Due to emotional trauma the first time I tried to watch it (I was too young and way too scared of drowned bodies), I have only recently started and am no expert.  
I hope you enjoyed anyways!


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